Tonight as I was driving back from my weekly shop, I was thinking of how I felt when I first found out about my partner's infidelity.
My immediate reaction was a physical one. I felt sick and my knees buckled from the instant shock. Then my mind tried to interject by trying to work out what had just happened. It could not. It was the physical that had the upper hand.
As the days passed my mind got lost in a fog of confusion and my physical self shut down to automatic pilot. In those first weeks I lost about 24lbs. I was relatively slender before hand but with that weight loss I looked gravely ill. As the realisation of what they had done began to dawn on me anger and rage came to the fore. I think if my ex-partner and ex-friend had showed some remorse for their actions that feeling of rage would not have been so prevalent. If anything it made them feel justified for what they had done and by my reckoning, I felt they enjoyed seeing me that way.
Fast forward a few years and the pain is still there but the gaping wound is now a very ugly scar.
One of the worst things that someone can tell you when something like this has happened is to move on and forget. How can you forget something that is so ugly that has happened to you? Those who say that, really do not know what they are talking about.
You have to live with the pain and grief of it and unfortunately as much as one would like to box it up and file it away it has taken up residence in your life. So, you learn to live with it and try and get on and invest in other areas of your life as best you can be it your career, new friendships to name but a few and at the same time learn to process the pain of infidelity. In essence, the pain of it never truly goes away.
...Why does the pain of an affair hurt so much? That question can only be truly answered by those who have experienced it, and as someone who has, I hope this blog can offer some insight to the agony that you are facing.